


Ashes

by katbear



Category: Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace
Genre: AU, Angst, First Time, Geezerfic, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-03-17
Updated: 2006-03-17
Packaged: 2017-10-21 16:57:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,108
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/227487
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/katbear/pseuds/katbear
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>How long can a fire burn?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ashes

**Author's Note:**

> Author: KatBear (katbear@cox.net)  
> Archive: MA, AO3  
> Category: First Time, Angst, AU, Romance, Geezerfic  
> Rating: NC17  
> Pairing: Obi-Wan Kenobi/Qui-Gon Jinn  
> Feedback: Appreciated.  
> Thanks: Thanks to the beta readers who helped with various comments and encouragement and made this a much better story (the GlorMu, and chelle). All mistakes are definitely my own since I can't resist tweaking.  
> Warnings: If you don't like male-male relationships you are in the wrong place.  
> Spoilers: None, set in an AU extending over several years after TPM. A few characters from the JA series are included. In this AU, Obi-Wan was 23 and Qui-Gon 60 at the time of The Event That Didn’t Happen.  
> Disclaimer: The boys belong to George Lucas, I'm just playing with them. No profit is intended or made.  
> Note 1: Originally published in Songs of Innocence, Songs of Experience zine, Feb 2005.  
> Note 2: Characters from JA with brief mentions in story: Garen Muln (pilot), Reeft (a Dresselian with leathery gray skin) and Bant (a Mon Calamarian).
> 
> ~ ~ Character internal thoughts

The afternoon sun lit the Council chamber in a brilliant haze. Obi-Wan Kenobi stood silently just inside the door, committing every detail of this long anticipated event to memory. He didn't begrudge the extra months he had had to wait to enable his master to recover from his injuries on Naboo.

~Oh yes, definitely worth waiting to have Qui-Gon here,~ Obi-Wan thought as he glanced at the tall Jedi standing next to him. ~It wouldn't feel right for anyone else to do this.~ He felt the flutterbirds in his stomach moving faster as master and apprentice were summoned to the center of the room.

The ancient ceremony was simple but beautiful. The Council affirmed its trust and confidence in the Order's newest knight as Master Qui-Gon Jinn cut the braid from his kneeling apprentice.

Afterwards, Obi-Wan stood in the common room of the quarters he had shared for so many years. The last guests were finally leaving the celebration. His hands shook inside the concealing robe. ~Force, I've been working for this moment for years. The smallest touch. . . a word of praise. . . by the seven gods, I lived for those moments of his affection for so many years. I can't believe it's finally here.~ He felt a trickle of sweat on his face as his throat tightened.

Qui-Gon emerged from the kitchen with a bottle of wine in his hand.

Obi-Wan tried to speak as his now former master deposited the bottle on the table and came to stand before him. He started to panic when only a strangled squeak emerged. His carefully rehearsed speech fled his brain with Force-enhanced speed and he turned to leave.

"My beautiful knight," Qui-Gon murmured with an indulgent smile. He reached up to touch Obi-Wan's cheek, stopping the young man's attempt to flee. "So many years I've waited to tell you how much I love you."

"You do?" Obi-Wan blinked in shock, his mouth hanging open briefly. A grin slowly spread across his face as the words finally sank in. "But. . . that's what I've been trying to get up the courage to tell you!"

"I could sense you shaking from across the room." Qui-Gon moved closer. "Am I really such a terrible ogre?"

"No, of course not." Obi-Wan shook his head. His eyes darkened momentarily. "But there was always a distance that you kept between us. I could see the way you interacted with others, touched others so freely, but it seemed that only rarely did you act so affectionately with me." He looked up, his face somber. "There were times. . . well, I simply couldn't tell sometimes if you even liked me, let alone whether there was any possibility you could ever love me."

"Obi-Wan, I'm sorry you felt like that, but it was the best way to handle things while you were still my student." Qui-Gon took both of Obi-Wan's hands into his own. "I could afford to be friendlier with other people because they did not mean so much to me. Your training, your knighthood, had to come above our personal relationship. I never meant to hurt you." He kissed Obi-Wan's hands. "But you are a knight now, and we don't have to hide our feelings any more. I do love you, and I want to make you happy."

Obi-Wan looked intently into the dark blue eyes. He wanted to believe. He needed to believe. For a long moment he searched the craggy countenance for any sign that he was mistaken or unwelcome, but the intoxicating closeness for which he had longed for so many years proved too much. Throwing all caution to the winds, he leaned forward until he could feel Qui-Gon's breath.

"I love you, Qui-Gon," Obi-Wan whispered. "I have loved you for years, and I can't wait any more."

"The waiting is over," Qui-Gon answered. "Let me show you how much I love you, my beautiful knight."

The kiss was long and deep, leaving the young Jedi breathless as Qui-Gon scooped him up and carried him into their bedroom.

************* ***************

Obi-Wan propped himself on one elbow. His other hand softly caressed the chest and belly of his new lover.

"Credit for your thoughts." Qui-Gon smiled as he captured the roving hand and brought it to his lips.

"I still can't believe it's true."

Qui-Gon laughed. "We've hardly been out of bed for two days. Doesn't that make it real enough for you?" He kissed Obi-Wan's palm.

"That has certainly been wonderful, but it still feels a bit like a dream." Obi-Wan leaned over to snuggle close. He could hear Qui-Gon's heart as he laid his head on the master's chest. "I told you there were so many times when I wasn't at all sure this could ever happen." He sighed. "You really were difficult to read." Obi-Wan paused as a frown darkened his countenance. "And I still can't help thinking about that Skywalker boy. If he hadn't died blowing up that Trade Federation ship off Naboo, I truly believed you were going to take him in my place."

"That was about duty, Obi-Wan." Qui-Gon released the knight's hand and hugged him tightly. "We could both have handled that whole thing better, but that was about duty and doing the will of the Force. I couldn't tell you then, but it didn't mean I loved you any less." He kissed the top of Obi-Wan's head as he held him close. "I love you, my beautiful knight. You must believe that."

"I do believe you. I love you, too, Qui-Gon." Obi-Wan returned the embrace fiercely as he buried the niggling doubt deep in his subconscious.

************* ***************

"That was an excellent job, Obi-Wan." Qui-Gon smiled broadly as he handed over the bowl of stew. "The Council will be pleased. There were more than a few naysayers when we asked to bond, but we have been quite successful the last few years, and they've had to admit that you have also done very well on your solo missions."

"I'm just happy we have been able to stay in one piece. There were a few close calls in there." Obi-Wan poked the small fire, then leaned back against the log to eat. "If I've done well, it was because I had an excellent teacher."

"You are too modest, Obi-Wan." Qui-Gon leaned over to kiss his lover's forehead. "It was due to your hard work we were able to finish early and get a few days off. Lovely place, isn't it?" He gestured around the small clearing.

"It is beautiful. I'm glad the weather finally cooled off a bit, though." Obi-Wan leered. "We will be hot enough here shortly."

"Ah, yes," Qui-Gon said thoughtfully. "We did spend quite a few days cooped up in the negotiations. There is an excellent flat spot near that waterfall that will be perfect for sparring."

"That's not quite what I had in mind," Obi-Wan pouted.

"Sparring, of course, is just the warm-up." Qui-Gon let his hand trail suggestively up his lover's thigh.

"You're right, as usual. We should warm up properly before we do anything more strenuous," Obi-Wan replied, a smile working hard to break through his deadpan expression.

After a quick cleanup they gathered their lightsabers and left the campsite.

Emerging from the trees into the open meadow, Obi-Wan stopped and pulled in a deep breath of air. "Force, that is so good." With a mischievous smile he glanced at Qui-Gon, who had taken off his boots and was bent over, lightly stretching. Obi-Wan quickly shed all of his clothes and moved to the center of the clearing.

Qui-Gon straightened. As he swung around his eyes widened and his mouth opened. "Obi-Wan, what are you doing?" he asked in a strangled voice.

"Come on, Qui-Gon. Don't be so stodgy." Obi-Wan stretched his arms toward the stars, bare skin shining in the moonlight. "It's warm, the grass is soft and there's nobody around." He turned to his former master with a grin. "It's not like you've got anything to be ashamed of. And you're the one who is always telling me I need to develop a closer relationship with the Living Force."

"Alright, alright. I can't believe I raised such an exhibitionist," Qui-Gon muttered with a mock grumble as he shed his own garments.

For an hour the two Jedi sparred, shifting, sliding and leaping. They were focused but fluid, sharing a rare moment of exuberance with no responsibilities or cares to weigh them down. Lightsabers flashed and sizzled as the two men danced under the stars.

Obi-Wan laughed as he lay in the heavy grass, victim of a successful disarming twist. "I yield." He spread his arms, sweat gleaming in the soft light. "Take me, my master, I am yours."

"Take you I will," Qui-Gon panted, "as soon as I get my breath back." He sucked in a deep breath as he leaned over, hands on his knees. "Force, I had to work hard for that one. It won't be too much longer until you can win far more often than not."

Obi-Wan's reply was cut short by a polite smattering of applause interspersed with titters. He rolled up onto his side.

Along the edge of the clearing were almost a hundred small aboriginal natives. Their eyes were big and round, the milky blue orbs glinting in the moonlight.

Obi-Wan laughed in delight as he swung up to his knees. He waved jauntily and was rewarded by a round of guttural barks as several of the furred natives waved back.

"Obi-Wan, don't encourage them," hissed Qui-Gon.

"They're not hurting anything. I think they're cute." Obi-Wan stood up, watching as Qui-Gon finished wrapping his robe around himself.

"They were watching us," Qui-Gon growled. He brought Obi-Wan's robe over and draped it around the young man. "This was supposed to be a special night, a private night just for us."

"Don't be such a prude. They didn't mean any harm. Besides, you're supposed to be the sympathetic one immersed in the Living Force."

"This is different. I was just about to make love to you. Do you want them to watch that too?" Qui-Gon snapped.

"No, of course not." Obi-Wan stepped over to rub his lover's shoulders. "You stay here. I'll get rid of them." With a final pat Obi-Wan left Qui-Gon standing in the clearing. For several minutes he gently shooed the natives back into the forest. As the last of them disappeared into the darkness Obi-Wan returned to the silent figure still standing alone, head bowed.

"Qui-Gon?" Obi-Wan leaned in, laying his head against Qui-Gon's chest as he wrapped his arms around his lover. "I wasn't laughing at you."

"I know." Qui-Gon sighed. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be so negative." He took his hands out of the sleeves of his robe and embraced Obi-Wan. "It's just that we so seldom seem to have opportunities like tonight. I didn't want to share it with anyone or anything else."

"Do I detect a touch of jealousy?" Obi-Wan teased.

"Call it what you want," Qui-Gon growled deep in his chest. "You are *my* knight, and I don't like to share."

"How would you like to share a swim in that lovely pool?" Obi-Wan moved his hips suggestively.

"Now that kind of sharing I can do gladly." Qui-Gon smiled as he leaned down to kiss Obi-Wan.

Breaking the kiss, Obi-Wan stepped back from their embrace. He grinned as he pulled off his cloak and sprinted for the pool. He felt more than heard Qui-Gon come up behind him as he dove into the warm water.

Both men headed toward deeper water, playfully splashing and ducking each other as the water cleansed them of sweat and dirt.

Qui-Gon caught Obi-Wan at the base of the sparkling waterfall.

Standing in the waist-deep water near the edge of the waterfall, Qui-Gon pulled his lover into a long, deep kiss. His large hands were warm as he caressed Obi-Wan, long sweeping strokes over back and sides, the water-slicked skin smooth under his fingers. They embraced tightly, rubbing their cocks together as their ardor grew.

Obi-Wan wrapped his legs around Qui-Gon's waist, tightening his grip as Qui-Gon slowly penetrated him. Supported partly by the water and partly by Qui-Gon's strength, Obi-Wan let himself relax once he was fully impaled. He felt completely at peace, wrapped in warmth and love. The stars shone above, the air was fresh and clean, and the roaring of the waterfall perfectly complemented the racing of his blood. He looked up into Qui-Gon's face and saw his love reflected in the blissful contentment on Qui-Gon's radiant countenance.

A slight whispering on the shore caught Obi-Wan's attention and he glanced lazily to his left. The moonlight reflected off several blue lights at the edge of the treeline. He smiled as he turned his gaze back to his oblivious lover, hugging his secret to himself as they shared the passion of their joyous union.

************* ***************

Qui-Gon looked up from the datapadds scattered across the table.

"You look quite pleased with yourself."

"The out brief went very well." Obi-Wan kissed Qui-Gon on his way to the kitchen. A moment later he came back with a container of cold juice. "The whole mission went well. Challenging, of course, when the insurgents tried to kidnap some of the key negotiators, but we got everything back under control." He hugged Qui-Gon on his way to sit at the table.

"Sounds very nice, Obi-Wan." Qui-Gon returned to his notes.

"It was much more than nice." Obi-Wan drained the juice. A euphoric beam lit his face. "I've really come to enjoy being in charge of team missions. Working together, planning, having everyone's hard work come together to accomplish a common goal." His eyes sparkled. "It truly is wonderful."

"That's good. I'm pleased things went well," Qui-Gon replied distantly as he keyed in changes on a 'padd.

Obi-Wan looked up, his eyes shifting to flat gray. "I still enjoy our missions together, Qui-Gon. You know that."

"Of course. Really, I'm happy for you. It's just that I've been distracted getting ready for this seminar I have to teach tomorrow." Qui-Gon paused and smiled apologetically. "It's getting late and I really do need to finish."

"I understand. Is there anything I can do to help?"

"You've just come back and you're entitled to a rest. I've got things under control here but it will take me a few more hours to finish." Qui-Gon reached for another datapadd. "Why don't you just relax tonight?"

"Thanks, I will." Obi-Wan stood up, lingered uncertainly. "If you're sure you don't want any help?"

"I'm fine, really." Qui-Gon waved a hand vaguely, his attention obviously on the datapadd.

Obi-Wan watched for a few minutes. Finally he sighed and silently headed to their sleeping room.

************* ***************

"Qui-Gon, are you coming?"

"Coming where?"

"Didn't you hear? Bant has taken a padawan." Obi-Wan laughed. "Can you imagine that? Bant with a padawan!" He shook his head. "I guess I should make that Master Bant, now, instead of Knight Bant."

"That is good news. I know how close you two have always been." Qui-Gon rummaged in the cooler. "You're right, we must go over and congratulate them both." He emerged from the kitchen with a bottle of wine.

"Yes, it is good." Obi-Wan stood near the door with his offering of sweets in his hand. He continued a bit wistfully, "It just seems strange to think of little Bant with a padawan."

"She's been a knight for several years, Obi-Wan." Qui-Gon smiled indulgently. "She's a good healer; I'm sure she'll also do well as a master."

"Of course." Obi-Wan smiled weakly. "I was just thinking about how many other knights I know that have taken padawans or have been talking about taking padawans."

"We did agree that neither of us felt an apprentice would fit in our relationship." Qui-Gon came over and hugged his lover tightly. "Not having second thoughts, are you?"

"No, no, of course not," Obi-Wan murmured into the broad chest.

"I love you, Obi-Wan." Qui-Gon loosened the embrace, caressed Obi-Wan's cheek. He leaned down to lightly kiss the now upturned lips. "You will always be my beautiful knight and the other half of my soul. I don't need anyone else in my life."

"Love you, too." Obi-Wan smiled briefly, then stepped back. "Come, let's go see how our newest master is doing."

As he followed Qui-Gon down the hallway, though, the young knight couldn't repress the stray thought that perhaps he might have been a bit too hasty when he had blithely agreed that an apprentice was someone he would never need in *his* life.

************* ***************

Obi-Wan stared in disgust. The mess on the bed was worse than usual. The female dengalur had clawed her way out of her cage and given birth to a very large litter in the middle of his favorite bedspread. The pungent smell of the slimy afterbirth permeated the room.

"Qui-Gon!"

The Jedi master hurried through the doorway. He stopped short as he saw the outcome of his latest charity case. A wide smile replaced the anxious frown on his face.

"This is excellent, Obi-Wan. She was terribly malnourished, but it looks like both mother and kits are doing well." Qui-Gon moved to the side of the bed to get a better look. "I'll need to keep a close eye on them for a while, though. Please put some fresh bedding in their box for them while I check on the mother."

"No."

Qui-Gon remained bent over the bed, his head tilted slightly. "Excuse me?"

"I said no. They are not staying in this room."

"Obi-Wan Kenobi, I cannot believe what I'm hearing." The master straightened to his full height. His hands were on his hips, his brow drawn down in deep furrows.

"Enough is enough. Damn it, Qui-Gon, for years now I've had to deal with all the plants and animals you drag in."

"Not without your share of complaints, I might add," Qui-Gon interrupted. "Didn't I manage to teach you anything about the Living Force, or even simple charity?"

"This is not about the Force, Living or otherwise, or about compassion." Obi-Wan put his hands on his hips. "I am just very tired of the way you keep bringing all these strays in without so much as a by-your-leave and then expect *me* to take care of the mess."

"I can't believe you are bringing this up again." Qui-Gon shook his head, only barely refraining from rolling his eyes. "Obi-Wan, I cannot turn away someone in need. You knew that when we agreed to be bonded."

"You're not listening to me, Qui-Gon." Frustration made his tone sharp. "I do know how much the Living Force means to you." His fists were clenched at his side. "I didn't say anything when you filled up the rest of our quarters and then even our bedroom." Obi-Wan leaned forward, pointing at his former master. "But too often you act like they are the only thing that matters and you treat me like I'm still your damned padawan."

"Are you jealous?" Qui-Gon stepped around the bed, moving in until he was almost chest-to-chest with the younger man. "You think I care for those poor creatures more than I do for you?" He shifted even closer, his face dark with anger. "Am I supposed to choose between them and you?"

"No, of course not." Obi-Wan backed away a step, licking his lips. Inwardly he cursed himself for a coward, because Qui-Gon's words had indeed been on the tip of his own tongue. "I'm not asking you to do any such thing."

"What *do* you want?" was Qui-Gon's frustrated growl.

"Qui-Gon. . ." Obi-Wan started to reply. He closed his eyes, drew a deep breath and held it for a long moment to quiet his racing heart. Finally he looked up and put his hands out to his sides, almost in surrender. "I'm trying to tell you that I need you too," Obi-Wan said softly. "Sometimes you get so absorbed in other things I still have trouble knowing where I really stand with you."

Qui-Gon's face softened. "I *do* love you, Obi-Wan."

Obi-Wan started to speak, faltered, then simply stood quietly.

"I apologize if I have seemed to ignore you, but I thought you understood how much I love you." Qui-Gon waved a hand helplessly. "I guess I'm just not very good at remembering to show it."

Obi-Wan hesitantly stepped forward, put his hands on Qui-Gon's shoulders. "Our love, what we have together, is very important to me. Maybe I *was* a little jealous when you started expanding your menagerie into our room." He wrapped his arms around Qui-Gon's waist and murmured, "Would you really mind so much if I wanted our room to be just for us, a private place where we make love and be together without any other distractions? That's all I'm asking for."

"Of course I don't mind." Qui-Gon returned the embrace. "That's only fair; I'll keep our guests out of our room in the future and it will be our special place, just as you asked." He nuzzled Obi-Wan's ear gently. "And you must remind me if it seems that I am taking you too much for granted, my beautiful knight. Agreed?"

"Agreed." Obi-Wan squeezed tighter, leaning heavily into his lover's warmth. "Love you."

"And I love you too." Qui-Gon swiped a kiss across Obi-Wan's nose. "But in the meantime we have a mess to clean up." Qui-Gon broke the embrace with a grin and turned away.

Obi-Wan stood staring as Qui-Gon returned to the bed to begin carefully checking the dengalur and her offspring. With a shrug he finally went to move the dengalur's cage into the common area.

************* ***************

Obi-Wan looked around at the other four Jedi at the table. Three he knew well, but the fourth, a master with a young padawan standing behind him, he did not recognize.

~Looks like the makings of a good team,~ he mused. ~Should be an interesting mission.~

"If I could have your attention, we'll get started. I apologize for the short notice, but we just got the call a few hours ago about the disasters in the Murain systems." Master Gallia was serving a term as head of the Mission Committee and had called the group together for their briefing.

"The response team will be headed by Master Dewuvn. This is a potentially difficult mission and he will need your full cooperation to pull this off."

There were several covert glances at Obi-Wan as the young master at the other end of the table smiled nervously. Obi-Wan hid his own surprise behind a stoic mask as he waited until the briefing was over to approach the Councilor.

"Master Gallia, with all due respect, I believe I am far more qualified to lead this mission than Master Dewuvn."

"I'm sorry, Obi-Wan," Master Gallia said. "You have an excellent record, but you are still a knight. Master Dewuvn is the highest ranking Jedi on the team and he *will* lead this mission."

"Of course, Master Gallia. I understand." Obi-Wan swallowed his disappointment. "He will have my support."

The Councilor smiled sympathetically. "You should think about taking an apprentice, Obi-Wan. I believe you would do quite well, and there are many challenging opportunities for masters with your skills."

"Perhaps I will." Obi-Wan bowed, a tight smile plastered to his face. "Thank you for your time. If that is all, I should finish my preparations for the mission." Back stiff, he turned and left.

************* ***************

"I think I'm ready to turn in." Qui-Gon yawned as he set aside his datapadd.

Obi-Wan slowly finished his glass of wine. He watched as Qui-Gon stretched, then ambled toward the fresher. They were both finishing a teaching stint between missions and he was feeling restless. He made a desultory cleanup of the common area, then took his own turn in the fresher.

The lights were dim when Obi-Wan stepped into the bedroom. Silently he removed his clothing and laid it across his chair. The mattress dipped as he slipped into bed beside the supine figure.

Obi-Wan moved the long hair and nuzzled the side of Qui-Gon's neck. He snuggled up close beside his lover, licking his throat, nipping his ear.

"It's rest day tomorrow, Qui-Gon. We don't have to get up early." Obi-Wan ran his hand along Qui-Gon's ribs.

"Mmmhhmm," Qui-Gon grunted.

Obi-Wan pushed himself up and captured the still lips in a long fervent kiss. He let his hands roam freely over the bare torso as he fluttered kisses over Qui-Gon's face. His cock hardened quickly, tickling Qui-Gon's side. He let his hands drift lower, fondling his lover's large genitals. His efforts were finally rewarded when he felt Qui-Gon's cock begin stirring in his hand, filling slowly.

"Love you, Qui-Gon," Obi-Wan murmured as he shifted to cover the long body. He dove back in for another deep kiss as he felt Qui-Gon's hands caressing his back.

"Love you too, my beautiful knight." Qui-Gon's hands tightened around Obi-Wan's arse. "You want top or bottom tonight?"

"Bottom is good." Obi-Wan slipped away to grab the tube of lubricant and toss it to Qui-Gon. He hesitated a moment, then, mindful of Qui-Gon's decreasing physical capabilities, he settled himself on his stomach with an extra pillow under his hips.

Obi-Wan moaned as he felt slick fingers stretching him while hot lips played down his neck and spine. He arched his back, hissing as he felt the heavy head of Qui-Gon's cock push into him.

"Yes, oh yes, I want you inside me." Obi-Wan eagerly pushed back into the pressure.

Qui-Gon surged deeper. His hands held Obi-Wan's hips firmly as he shoved his cock in further and further until skin met skin.

Obi-Wan moaned again as his organ rubbed against the pillow beneath him. He grabbed his cock as Qui-Gon set up a steady rocking rhythm. Within a few minutes he felt Qui-Gon increase his pace, short jerky thrusts raking across his prostrate. Obi-Wan speeded up his fisting to match the frantic pace. Qui-Gon quickly came, panting heavily as he collapsed across Obi-Wan's back. The knight followed swiftly, finishing his own orgasm with several rapid strokes. He felt Qui-Gon slide off as his lover's limp penis slipped out of his arse.

A few beads of sweat trickled down Obi-Wan's face as he lay quietly. He blindly reached for the towel he kept under his pillow, rolled over, then wiped his face and belly as he tossed the wet pillow off the side of the bed. The orgasm had been brief and he was still half-hard. He turned to his lover, hoping for a longer encounter.

"Qui-Gon?"

Obi-Wan leaned up on one elbow and looked down. He sighed as he realized that Qui-Gon was sound asleep.

"Damn," Obi-Wan said softly. "Not again."

The frustrated knight carefully cleaned off his mate, then turned over for a fitful night of sleep.

************* ***************

For four months the master and knight had been slogging through the swamps of Thumur, although to Obi-Wan it seemed far longer since he had been clean and free of the ubiquitous veklflies.

Obi-Wan scratched irritably at the stinging bites, trying to ignore the squelching of his feet inside his wet boots. He paused for a moment when the sun broke through the clouds, swearing as another swarm of insects tried to crawl inside his tunics. He glanced at his shadow in front of him while he adjusted his pack.

~Shadow?~ Obi-Wan looked back up at the sun, studying its position. ~Wait a minute, this can't be right!~

"Qui-Gon!"

The master stopped and turned. "Yes?"

"We're not going in the right direction. The government camp is to the west and you've been leading us almost due south."

"No, this is the proper direction. We are going to find the native tribes' encampments."

"The mission statement *clearly* says we are to negotiate between the government and rebel factions," Obi-Wan said, his hands on his hips. "The tribes have their own separate reservations."

"Obi-Wan, the Council did not know that the tribes were not consulted when the revised treaties were proposed," Qui-Gon replied in his best tone of patient tolerance.

"They *have* been well provided for. Let them stay in their preserves and let's get back on mission."

"The Force tells me this is the right thing to do." Qui shook his head stubbornly. "We *must* find the tribes and talk to them."

"Damn it, Qui-Gon, you didn't even tell me what you were planning to do. I am your partner on this mission and I disagree with this course of action."

Qui-Gon sighed. "I didn't want to tell you until after we found them. I knew you would object and I didn't want you to worry needlessly."

"You think you know me so well that you know what I'm thinking and what I'm going to do?" scowled Obi-Wan.

"Well, yes, actually." The pedantic tone was tinged with a hint of condescension. "After all, Obi-Wan, I did raise you from a padawan into the knight you are today. And we *have* been together as a bonded couple for many years now."

"So I suppose my own work had nothing to do with my knighthood?" A red haze floated behind Obi-Wan's eyes as his blood began to pound in his ears.

Qui-Gon smiled briefly in fond remembrance. "It wasn't easy, but I like to think I had some influence on the person you have become." He looked up, then held his arms out in a conciliatory gesture, blind to the hint of smugness that hid in his smile.

Obi-Wan stepped back, his arms crossed tightly, his face dark. "Are you telling me your work and sacrifice were the only reasons I managed to become a knight?"

"I didn't say that, but it *is* a difficult path to knighthood and you needed a guide." Qui-Gon paused, looked into Obi-Wan's eyes. He continued softly, "You are indeed a great knight, the realization of all that I knew you could be."

Obi-Wan was stunned for a moment. Qui-Gon's earlier declaration still rang in his head and he shook his head incredulously. "Is that what you see when you look at me, a creature you created?"

"I do see reflections of my teachings," Qui-Gon waved one hand in Obi-Wan's general direction, "but mostly I see a Jedi knight who has become a man of his own, a good man, the man that I love. Is it so wrong for me to take pride in what I have helped you accomplish?"

"And I suppose you think you created our love as well?" Obi-Wan's anger was rapidly turning into a powerful urge to plant a fist where it would wipe out that patronizing smile. He kept his arms crossed, hands firmly anchored in his armpits to keep them under control.

"Of course not. Even I am not that arrogant, whatever you might believe," Qui-Gon retorted, his fraying patience sharpening his tone.

Obi-Wan snorted derisively.

"I do understand that I am a fortunate man to have your love, to share our lives as Jedi," Qui-Gon continued. "While you were my padawan I could not freely express my feelings." Qui-Gon paused, straightened his shoulders. "As I came to understand how much I wanted you to stay with me, there were times I may have tried to subtly encourage your feelings for me, but I swear I always put your training above all else, including my own needs."

"*Your* needs? Do you know how much *I* hurt all those years? Would it have been so terrible to let me know, just a little, how much you cared?" Obi-Wan snapped.

"I had to do what I thought best. That was my duty!" Qui-Gon snapped back. He took a deep breath, letting it out slowly as he calmed himself. "I did want to tell you, but I mistrusted those desires." Qui-Gon swallowed. "It was not easy for me, Obi-Wan, but I did it for *you*." He frowned, staring down from his full height. "In any event, that was years ago. I thought we were both beyond that issue by now."

Obi-Wan glared up silently, jaw clenched, refusing to be baited.

Qui-Gon blew out a hard breath through his nose, then paced back and forth several times before turning back. "I don't know how else to explain this, Obi-Wan. I was your guide, but it is your own hard work you should be proud of. And the knight that you became is the man that I love."

"If you love me so much, when are you going to treat me as a true equal on our missions?" Obi-Wan's voice was harsh, his breathing tight and controlled. His hands moved to a white-knuckled grip on his utility belt. "Do you have so little trust that you won't even tell me before you decide to go off on your hard-headed tangents?"

"I do love you, Obi-Wan, and there is no one else I would rather have at my side when trouble starts. But I have tried to explain many times that there *are* things that transcend our love. We are Jedi with duties to perform. In this case I believe there are certain actions we must take to provide justice for all of the peoples who are involved."

"Even if that means going outside our orders?" Obi-Wan yelled, venting his frustration.

"Yes, even if that means going around our mission orders." Qui-Gon's expression hardened. "We have more information now than the Council had when those orders were given. I knew you would object and I felt it would be easier to try to change your mind after you had a chance to see for yourself what the tribes' conditions are like. I take full responsibility for what we are doing, and I will ensure that the Council is made aware of your objections."

"Even if I agreed that your alleged new information was valid, this is not about the Council and you know it. I just don't understand how you can keep doing this to me after all the years we've been together." Obi-Wan stepped forward, bumping chest to chest with Qui-Gon. "Damn it to seven hells, you keep *saying* I am a good Jedi, but you don't give me the respect of bothering to listen to me."

The two men stared into each other's eyes for a long moment, their heavy breathing loud in their ears.

"I'm sorry you feel this way, Obi-Wan. I do love you, and I always will." Qui-Gon stepped back and took a long breath. His eyes were dark as he continued firmly, "I am in charge of this mission, however, and I *must* do my duty as the Force guides me. I am going to find the tribes and include them in these discussions." A muscle jumped in his cheek as he stared down at his former apprentice. "I hope you will come to understand and to support me, but in the meantime I have no choice. You are free to stay or go as your own conscience dictates." He abruptly turned and walked away.

Obi-Wan stood stunned for a long moment before finally finding his voice again. "Damn you, Qui-Gon Jinn," he shouted over the rapidly widening distance. "Do you think you're the only fucking Jedi the Force talks to? You never even ask what I believe *my* duty is."

Head held high, the Jedi master silently marched onward, a small twitch of his shoulder the only sign that he had heard the parting words.

For a full ten minutes Obi-Wan stood staring furiously at the slowly diminishing figure as pain throbbed in his head and his heart. Finally he growled in disgust, unable to decide if he was angrier at his lover or himself, and stomped through the muck to follow Qui-Gon yet again.

************* ***************

Candles flickered in the dimness. Gentle music murmured in the background.

From his vantage point in the kitchen doorway Obi-Wan smiled as Qui-Gon blinked when he entered the quarters. The master hung up his cloak, then stood uncertainly. His white hair shone and the soft light was kind to the wrinkled face. Even after all these years Obi-Wan's heart still stirred when he saw his mate's lean figure. His smile deepened and he had to firmly restrain other parts from stirring when Qui-Gon turned his way, and the tired blue eyes lit up with the special warmth that Obi-Wan knew was still saved only for him.

"Happy eightieth nameday." Obi-Wan walked to the entryway to kiss his lover. "Come, I've prepared your favorite meal. I even found some genuine flova for the steamed dumplings and some of those jellied churros you like so much."

"You are too good to me." Qui-Gon hugged Obi-Wan.

After a quiet meal and cleanup, the two lovers retired to the couch.

"I managed to pry loose a bottle of that Holloonian wine that Dex keeps stashed away. He passed on his best wishes." Obi-Wan carefully poured out two glasses of the sparkling delicacy.

"Thank you, Obi-Wan. This is a wonderful nameday."

They sipped cool wine as they chatted and cuddled.

Gradually clothing disappeared until the Jedi were clad only in leggings. They petted, kissed, and softly caressed, murmuring endearments. The candles burned low.

Obi-Wan kissed the long throat, licked his way down the smooth chest and nibbled on the taut nipples. One hand moved slowly in wide soothing circles on Qui-Gon's still flat belly. He could feel his own organ hardening as his hand slipped lower, then dipped under the waistband of his mate's leggings.

"I think it's about time we got rid of those, don't you?" Obi-Wan whispered into Qui-Gon's ear, gently nipping the lobe.

"Obi-Wan. . ." Qui-Gon intercepted his lover's straying hand.

"Is something wrong?"

"No, it's just. . . I think that I'd really rather just spend a quiet evening together tonight."

There was an awkward silence for a moment. Qui-Gon looked away from the obvious bulge in Obi-Wan's leggings.

"Are you sure there's nothing wrong?" Obi-Wan sat up. "I know we've both been busy lately and we haven't had time for sex for quite a while. I thought tonight you'd want -"

"No, not really," Qui-Gon interrupted. He cleared his throat. Flushed cheeks were visible in the dim light. "I'm afraid I'm just not that interested in sex any more. Haven't been for a while, actually." He scrubbed his hands together as he looked at the floor. "I suppose I should have brought it up earlier. I'm sorry."

"Are you quite certain you're well?" Obi-Wan demanded. "It's been over three months since we last made love and we weren't out on missions that whole damn time. Just what in the seven hells is really going on with you?"

"Truly I am fine, Obi-Wan." Qui-Gon hesitated a moment. His hands were now clenched tightly. "At my physical last month I did mention to the Healer that I. . . ah, well, did not have as much interest in sex as I used to." Qui-Gon's shoulders hunched. "He assured me it was quite normal for a male of my species and age. I know how much we both enjoyed making love, but I wasn't sure how to bring it up to discuss this with you. I am sorry. I really should have said something before now."

Obi-Wan leaned back, staring at the side of Qui-Gon's downturned face. He started to speak, then hesitated. Memories of his frustration at his mate's silent reluctance to initiate sex the last few years threatened to darken his words. He bit his tongue as he took a deep breath, working to temper his words as best he could.

"So that's it then? Thanks for the memories but I don't feel like having sex any more? Anything else you'd like to tell me while you're at it?"

"No, no, I don't mean that at all. Obi-Wan, I still love you," Qui-Gon said. "It's just that I'm going through some changes in my life that I have not been entirely certain how to deal with and I did not want to burden you any more than necessary."

Obi-Wan jumped up and began pacing angrily. "Everyone changes, that's part of life. Part of our relationship should be trusting each other enough to discuss those changes. This isn't something simple like deciding where to go on vacation." He shook his head. "We are talking about a fundamental change in our lives."

"I realize that. I did not mean to exclude you."

"But you did. Again." Obi-Wan banged a fist against the wall in frustration. "Qui-Gon, you may be eighty, but I'm only forty-three. A change in our physical relationship means a great deal to me, far more than it seems to mean to you. You can't just casually toss out a comment that you don't feel like having sex any more and expect me not to be concerned."

"Obi-Wan, I wasn't trying to trivialize the situation." Qui-Gon's face rested between his hands, elbows on his knees. "Physical intimacy *has* been very important to me. . . these changes are hard for me as well." He looked up. "I know I shouldn't have waited so long, but it was a challenge to figure out what to tell myself, let alone how to speak to you." Qui-Gon stood up and went to his mate. "I still need you. I still want you. We can work something out." He held his arms out. "Please, Obi-Wan. This is not easy for me. . . I'm not used to asking for help."

"I know." Obi-Wan sighed heavily. "I just wish you'd let me inside all the way. I love you and I want to be there for you, but you make it so difficult sometimes." He stepped forward to embrace Qui-Gon.

"I am sorry, Obi-Wan. I don't mean to hurt you." Qui-Gon's voice was muffled in the knight's hair.

"We do need to talk, Qui-Gon," Obi-Wan said softly.

"We will, I promise." Qui-Gon kissed the knight's forehead. "But not tonight, please. Tonight I need to hold my beautiful knight, to feel you in my arms."

"As you wish then, not tonight." Obi-Wan pulled back so he could look into Qui-Gon's eyes.

A sigh of held breath escaped. "Thank you, Obi-Wan. I know this is not an easy change for us, but I am glad you understand. We will work it out." Qui-Gon smiled. "Love you."

"And I love you." Obi-Wan reached up to caress the bearded cheek. He shifted uncomfortably, then firmly willed the remnants of his erection to dissipate as he leaned forward into his Qui-Gon's embrace.

************* ***************

"See you later, Qui-Gon."

"You're going out?'

"Reeft and Garen are back in Temple. Several of us are getting together at Reeft's quarters. Then I thought I might go over to see Knight Shaw'vn." Obi-Wan paused as he saw Qui-Gon's jaw clench at the mention of the pretty young knight. "Is that a problem?"

"No, of course not. I just thought we were going to stay in."

"Just because we're bonded doesn't mean I gave up all of my other friends, old or new."

"I said it wasn't a problem," Qui-Gon said sharply. "I have some work to do, anyway."

The knight stood silently for a moment, his face expressionless.

"I'll be back when I get back."

"Fine. Just go."

Obi-Wan pursed his lips and swept out the door without a backward glance.

************* ***************

Obi-Wan shifted his travel pack to his left shoulder as he traversed the long corridor. Reaching a familiar door, he paused for a long moment before reaching up to punch in his entrance code.

The room was dark when Obi-Wan entered. He hung up his cloak and dropped his travel pack by the door.

"Qui-Gon? I'm back. Are you here?"

Obi-Wan turned up the lights. He stood stunned for a moment by the sight before him.

Qui-Gon sat on the worn couch. His shoulders were slumped, hands hanging limply between his knees. He stared sightlessly at the floor, his breathing almost inaudible between open lips.

"Force!" Obi-Wan hurried over to the silent figure. "Qui-Gon! What's wrong?" He grabbed his lover's shoulder.

Qui-Gon blinked a few times, then shook himself.

"Obi-Wan?"

"It's me, Qui-Gon. You're white as a parchment and hardly breathing. What's wrong?"

"I'm fine." Qui-Gon looked up into his mate's incredulous expression. "Well, perhaps not very fine."

"Tell me," Obi-Wan said sternly. He put a hand on each of Qui-Gon's shoulders and forced his mate to turn and face him.

"I was called before the Council this afternoon." Qui-Gon stopped and looked away. He sucked in a deep breath.

"And?" Obi-Wan gave the older man a little shake. "What happened?"

"They wanted to tell me in person that I've been taken off the active field duty roster." Qui-Gon's breath caught. "I'm not allowed to do anything more strenuous than teaching or the most benign of missions." His eyes were bright as he finally looked fully into his mate's face. "How could they do that, Obi-Wan? I've always been a field Jedi. Serving the Force is what my life is all about."

Obi-Wan pulled the old man into a tight embrace. He could feel Qui-Gon's body trembling in his arms; the maelstrom of pain swirling in the Force was an almost physical presence.

The knight murmured soothing words even as he clamped down on his own emotions to prevent any betraying feelings from escaping. He felt guilt for the warning words he had planted with a concerned senior healer, surprise that the Council had acted so quickly, and relief; but whether it was relief that the old man would not have to risk himself in the field, or relief that his own safety would no longer be compromised on joint missions, was difficult to determine. Ruthlessly he buried his feelings, promising himself to meditate on them later.

"Perhaps it was just time, Qui-Gon. You still have a lot of work you can do. You're still a good Jedi, but the Force calls us to serve in different ways at different times."

"But why now? I can still go to the field. I don't want you to have to go out without me when I can still lead missions."

Obi-Wan pursed his lips, his jaw clenched. ~You still won't face facts, will you. . . damned stubborn old fool.~

They rocked slowly for a while until Obi-Wan persuaded his mate to have a light meal. Qui-Gon clung to him the rest of the evening until they finally went to bed.

************* ***************

Knight Obi-Wan Kenobi sat propped against the headboard. His knees were drawn up in a vain attempt to soothe the ache at his groin. His body was well aware that this was definitely not the place he had originally planned to spend the night and was demanding release after several weeks of doing without.

The dim light coming through the open window illuminated the still figure. Closed eyes were oblivious to the play of light and shadow.

Obi-Wan sighed heavily. Slowly he opened his eyes.

For several minutes the knight contemplated the silent form of his former master as the man slept beside him. It had taken longer than usual for Qui-Gon to fall asleep after the earlier shock of being removed from the mission roster, but Obi-Wan knew from experience that he would now sleep heavily for at least a few hours.

~I wonder how it came to this. It seems like this bed is about the only thing we really share any more.~

Long silky hair and close-trimmed beard shone white. The broken nose was lost in grey shadow. An empty blankness seemed to overlay the heavily lined face.

~I still remember how much I loved him.~ A small smile touched the knight's face. He tilted his head back. ~Force, I would gladly have laid down my life for him if he had asked.~ His right hand reached up, a single finger trailed lightly along his own stubbled cheek. ~As his apprentice I lived for just a single moment of his affection and hoarded each one like a miser.~

~Mmm, and after my knighting.~ The smile widened to a grin. ~What a night when he came to me after the ceremony. . . finally told me how much he cared, how much he wanted me.~ The calloused hand stroked his chin, glided down his neck just as Qui-Gon’s had. His fingertips moved softly across his well-muscled chest, rough skin catching on dark nipples. ~When he touched me like this on that first night it seemed all worth it to finally be joined.~

~We did have a lot of great years, years when I felt my dreams had come true. Successful missions. . . making love in beautiful places.~ His left hand caressing his belly was warm. ~Mmmmm, moonlight, Qui-Gon's hands holding me under that waterfall. Those wonderful hands, keeping me safe as I slid down in the water onto his cock.~ A silent laugh. ~I never did tell him we were still being watched.~

Obi-Wan glanced at the large hands lying atop the blanket. He sighed again as a pang of regret swept through him. Qui-Gon had certainly known how to pleasure him as no one else ever had.

His right hand squeezed and twisted his hard nubs. ~It was good, building memories together.~ A rueful snort. ~Despite some of those things he would drag back to our quarters. . .~

The knight's left hand swept slowly along his ribs and belly. ~It was good for a long time. . . but I guess we just started to grow apart.~ His right hand continued playing with his nipples, and he was surprised to find himself missing the slick tongue and sharp teeth that used to ignite his passion so swiftly. Even after all the years, those memories still had the power to blend with the alternating pain and soothing of his fingers to stoke the fire in his groin.

~Our lives kept changing. My own missions, not having to play the junior partner any more. Earning respect from fellow Jedi, that was good too, and so different from what I got from Qui-Gon.~ Both hands moved lower, ghosting along his flanks.

"Obi-Wan Kenobi, Jedi Knight," he mouthed softly, savoring the syllables as they rolled off his tongue. A pink tongue circled his open lips, eyes closed as his hands tickled his thighs. ~Mmmm, yes, it was good to have a life of my own, friends of my own.~ He slid both legs down and opened them wide, mindful of Qui-Gon's solid bulk near his left calf.

~I knew I was getting stronger, continuing to grow.~ He gave a small breathy moan as his fingers slipped down to caress his cock, slowly teasing the wet tip, gently measuring the rigid length. ~I could feel it in the Force.~

A frown flashed across the knight's face as his eyes flew open. His hand stilled as he glanced at the sleeping man.

~Qui-Gon! Others believed in me; why couldn't *you* ever truly accept me as an equal? You were always the one in charge, even after I was knighted. Always had to be the strong one, had to have the last word, whether it was about the mission or our relationship. You couldn't stand the idea of accepting my help or appearing vulnerable.~ He stared resentfully for a moment at the man who slept on, oblivious to his lover’s irritation.

Obi-Wan took a slow deep breath. ~He always meant well, I suppose I have to give him that.~ He let his fingers resume their slow traversal, head leaning back as his eyes drifted shut again. ~I honestly don't think Qui-Gon ever truly realized what he was doing, to me and to our relationship. It took *me* a long time to understand, or maybe I just didn't want to admit it to myself. Until that fucking fiasco on Thumur.~

Obi-Wan's hand tightened involuntarily around his cock, the momentary pain distracting his attention. ~I guess it took a blunt hammer to make me finally realize Qui-Gon still loved the knight he had created, but not as much as having his own way.~ His erection flagged as a white stab of misery flashed through his mind. ~And he just couldn't ever let go of that need for control enough to let me all the way inside.~ He bit his lip, then forced himself to relax again. He needed relief, not regrets, dammit, and Qui-Gon wasn’t going to take this from him, too. His right hand shifted, alternated between fondling his balls and stroking his cock. The itchy tingling and pressure in his balls surged back as his cock rapidly hardened again.

~It's been a lot of years. . . a lot of life going by. . . Too many nights when he talked about things he has done and I talked about things I want to do.~ His cock was engorged, so full it pulsed with pain. Obi-Wan's eyes partially opened as his head turned, his pupils wide. ~There were too many times when I had to choose between my need for you and my need for your respect. And too many times you left me outside looking in when I wanted us to be one with each other.~

The knight stilled, hand clasped loosely around his erection. Shadowed eyes burned in an angry glare at Qui-Gon's sleeping figure.

"It was for your own good, old man," Obi-Wan whispered vehemently. "You were slowing down, you were going to get us both killed out in the field, but even now you still don't listen to me. I *had* to ask them to take you off active field duty, you stubborn old fool. I *tried* to tell you, damn you. It wasn't my fault you didn't see it coming."

He pulled hard at his rigid cock, rough hurtful strokes.

~You'll have to understand; we can't go on this way.~ The strokes came faster now, cock wet with pre-ejaculate, as his other hand squeezed his balls. Pain and pressure warred with pleasure. ~I need to be able to go out on missions without having to worry about you.~

~And by the seven gods I want to go out and get laid or just talk to my friends without having to make excuses, or look at that pathetic expression on your face when I leave.~ He felt his blood pounding, riding the edge of his impending orgasm, a red haze building behind his eyeballs.

Obi-Wan's back arched, one hand pumping frantically as he jammed his other hand in his mouth to stifle his cries.

~I *am* a good Jedi.~ The friction from his calloused hand burned as his balls tightened. ~I have earned respect. . . a right to my own life it even if it means leaving you behind. . .~

"Aaaghh."

His body stiffened as his hard cock released a tiny trickle of warm fluid. He gave a muffled moan of frustration which hung in the still air.

~Damn it to seven hells. . . can't even do a decent hand job any more with you in my head. . .~

Panting breath slowly quieted as the knight wiped himself off.

~Qui-Gon. . . I'm sorry. This wasn't what I wanted for us, but any dream dies if you keep turning it away long enough. I may be all that you think you need, but I have needs you just can't or won't fill.~

Obi-Wan took one last look at his mate, shook his head, then slid under the blanket, turning away to face the wall.

************* ***************

Sleepy blue eyes peered from the time-worn visage. “Good morning, love.”

“Morning,” Obi-Wan grunted. Remembering the previous evening's crisis, he turned toward Qui-Gon. "Are you alright?"

"I need to meditate, but I suppose I will learn to cope one way or another." Qui-Gon ran a hand through his hair. "Before I left the Council chamber yesterday they gave me a teaching assignment." He snorted through his nose. "I suppose they wanted to keep me busy so I wouldn't do anything foolish."

The rueful half smile on the master’s face turned to a mild frown as Obi-Wan’s morning erection bumped against his thigh. A small flush colored his cheeks as he turned away and rolled out of bed.

"I don't have to be at my first class until ninth hour," Qui-Gon said as he stood uncertainly for a moment. "I'll fix firstmeal for you if you'd like to sleep in a bit longer."

"As you wish. Thank you."

"Good. I'll get started then." Qui-Gon smiled as he pulled his robe around him.

Obi-Wan stared at the back of the figure slowly shuffling out the door. "Not today, I think." He sighed. "But soon. Yes, very soon."

************* ***************

"My, such a tiny thing!" The Creche Master took the crying baby and gently jiggled it. "Oorlo, please take the other infants to the nursery." The master waited as her assistants relieved the tired Jedi team of the other six Force-sensitives found on the search trip. "It is good to see you, Master Hu'jln. I understand you had quite an exciting trip this time."

"That kind of excitement I can do without," grimaced the avian knight. "It was an ordinary search trip for the first month or so, if rather more successful than most. We had found seven candidates and were heading for our last stop when civil war erupted around us." She shook her head, crest feathers waving. "We barely made it off the planet with the little ones in an old freighter we commandeered. We didn't get very far when the engines seized up and we ended up drifting in space." She shuddered. "I thought we were all going to pass into the Force until Knight Kenobi found us."

"It was nothing really," Obi-Wan muttered. "I just happened to be passing that direction on my way back from a mission."

"Nothing was about how much air was left in that old wreck," Hu'jln retorted. "You should get an award just for fitting four Jedi and seven babies into that little scout ship for five days. Talk about getting up close and personal."

"Yeah, especially after the diapers ran out," mumbled her padawan, a rawboned male human teenager.

Master Hu'jln reached out and pulled the youth to her. "And I am proud of how well you did as well, my reluctant little hero." She planted a quick kiss on his forehead as he squirmed in embarrassment.

Obi-Wan silently watched the interaction. He had been feeling vaguely unsettled for days, but had ascribed it to the difficult conditions of the enforced close quarters. Now, watching the boy's eyes light up with pride and affection despite his outward protest, Obi-Wan felt a pang of emotion that he was surprised to identify as envy.

"Ah, there you are! I heard we had some new babies coming in. I'm glad to see they arrived safely." The newcomer was a tall, gangly master. His long red hair swung gently around his freckled face.

"Yes, we do. Thanks to our brave knights we have a fine new set of youngsters." The Creche Master beamed. She noticed Obi-Wan's puzzled glance. "Knight Kenobi, I don't believe you've met Master Ghoozhal. He took over the senior initiate program last year."

"I'm afraid I don't make it down here often, and I was away on missions most of last year. Pleased to meet you, Master Ghoozhal." Obi-Wan smiled and gave a small bow.

"No need to apologize. I know how busy they keep our field knights." The master glanced over at the Creche Master, then looked speculatively back at Obi-Wan. "If you've been away so often you're probably not familiar with our current crop of initiates. Would you like to take a quick look? I'd be more than happy to show you around."

Obi-Wan was about to automatically refuse as he usually did on such occasions, but a sudden impulse caused him to hesitate. He looked once more at Hu'jln as she absently adjusted her padawan's unruly braid. "I think I'd like that. Thank you, Master Ghoozhal."

Two hours later Obi-Wan was still wandering through the initiates' halls with the affable master. He was impressed with some of the improvements in the training classes and actually found himself a bit nostalgic over some of the things that had not changed from his own time there. His smile was bittersweet, however, when they passed through the dorm where he had spent his last year as a senior initiate; the ever present trace of anxious ambition was almost a tangible aura in the Force.

"This is our most advanced class. Almost all of them have turned twelve standard years and are well along in the program."

The two Jedi stopped to watch a group of sixteen initiates practicing basic unarmed combat drills. The pairs circled and grappled, attempting to throw their partners. A Rodarian boy badly missed his takedown move and ended up in a heap in the grass as he slipped. His partner snickered as he helped the boy up.

"Some of them are going through rather impressive growth spurts at the moment, so I'm afraid they are quite embarrassingly awkward at times," Master Ghoozhal whispered. "They hate it when it happens in front of others."

Obi-Wan smiled. "I do remember that part, believe me."

"Ah, we've been noticed. I'm afraid you've been targeted, Knight Kenobi."

A noticeable change had come over the group when one of the youths spotted the two observers. Evidently Obi-Wan must still be on the list of potential masters, because the level of intensity and competition visibly increased.

"I remember that part all too well also." Obi-Wan sighed but made no move to leave.

The class continued for another twenty minutes. The instructor moved around providing encouragement and corrections, occasionally changing off the pairs. Obi-Wan was aware of the many covert glances directed at him and kept his expression carefully neutral. His own attention, however, was drawn to one of the female human initiates. A short bundle of stick-like arms and legs with plain brown hair and eyes, she was clearly one of many going through a growth spurt. Strong but uncoordinated, she was thrown repeatedly but never hesitated to get up and head right back into the fray despite the disparaging jokes by her peers.

The class was going through a final set of warming down stretches when Obi-Wan acted on his second impulse of the day.

"Master Ghoozhal, may I speak to that initiate? The thin girl with the brown hair?"

"Welk?" The master was clearly surprised by the choice. "I wouldn't have thought that you'd be interested in her, but of course you can speak to her."

When the dirty, disheveled initiate presented herself to the master, Obi-Wan wondered why he had bothered. The bruise rapidly darkening on her cheek did little to distinguish the plain features; indeed the only exceptional thing about her was her remarkable averageness.

"Initiate Olan Welk, this is Knight Obi-Wan Kenobi. He has asked to speak to you." The master turned to Obi-Wan. "I'll just leave you two alone then. If you have any questions or would like to see anything else, I'll be over there."

"Thank you, Master Ghoozhal." Obi-Wan watched the silent girl for a moment. "Good afternoon, Initiate Welk."

"Good afternoon, Knight Kenobi." She bowed respectfully.

There was an awkward silence as Obi-Wan searched for something appropriate to say.

"You did rather well in the unarmed combat. Very interesting moves you've developed."

"With all due respect, Knight Kenobi, I don't like being patronized." Brown eyes bored uncompromisingly into gray-blue eyes. "We both know I got my butt kicked."

"Oh." Obi-Wan blinked at the unexpected reply. "Well, yes. You did look, um, a bit off-center."

"If you are trying to politely say that I can't get out of bed without tripping over my own feet right now, you are quite correct. The healers have assured me that it is a temporary condition." The girl looked appraisingly at the surprised knight. "Everyone knows you're tied to old Master Jinn, so I have to assume you are not here looking for an apprentice despite the hopes of the other initiates in my class. Therefore, I do not understand why you wish to speak with me." She stood staring up, finally remembering to tack on a belated, "Sir."

Obi-Wan stood staring back, his mouth partially open, quite taken aback by the bold reply coming from such an unlikely-looking source. Finally he closed his mouth with a snap. "Initiate Welk, how in the seven hells do you ever expect to get a master if you treat senior Jedi like that?"

"I have learned to be a realist," the girl replied evenly. "I am not pretty, I am only average in academics and athletic skills and a bit above average in Force abilities." She put her hands on her hips. "I am, however, going to be a Jedi knight. I don't know how or when, but somewhere there is a Jedi who will appreciate what I do have to offer. That Jedi, Knight Kenobi, is the one who will be my master."

"Alright, I'm feeling particularly foolish today so I'm going to take your bait." Obi-Wan crossed his arms and stared back. "Just what is it that you have to offer to this mythical master?"

"Determination, honesty, loyalty and an insatiable desire to learn." The brown eyes reflected an inner fire. "I will challenge both of us to be the best Jedi we can be."

"A challenge for someone you will most certainly be." Obi-Wan laughed as he reached over to brush dirt away from the bruised cheek. He stopped abruptly as his hand made contact and he felt the rush of Force energy pass between them.

The two Jedi stared at each other as Obi-Wan slowly put his other hand up to gently cradle the small face. Olan's gasp of astonishment made him grin and the dazzling light of joy in her eyes left no doubt, no hesitation in his mind. This was what he had been searching for to fill the gaping hole that had been growing in his heart and soul.

It was time to move on.

************* ***************

Patiently the negotiator listened to every argument, turned aside every objection, and hammered the slowly developing consensus into a finished work. It had been an extensive series of meetings over several months, but the end was almost in sight. Another long day at the conference table was almost over. The Jedi waited until the others had left the room, then winced at the creaking in his knees and back as he stood and carefully stretched.

"Master Kenobi?"

Obi-Wan sighed as the nervous little servitor who had been hovering near the door for the last hour finally approached. ~Force, what now? I was hoping to have a quiet evening for a change.~

"Yes?" The neutral mask of serenity allowed none of the Jedi's fatigue or exasperation to show.

"I'm very sorry to disturb you, Master Kenobi, but there is an express package from Coruscant for which you must personally sign." The man handed over a receipt pad.

A quick handprint on the pad, then an exchange of pad for a rectangular box. Obi-Wan hid his surprise at the Force lock behind a polite nod. "Thank you. That will be all."

The servitor bowed, then scurried away.

Back in his quarters, Obi-Wan stared at the plain brown package for several minutes. An odd sense of foreboding filled him.

Finally he carefully opened the Force lock. Inside the wrapper was a cryptic note directing him to contact Master Yoda. Obi-Wan set the note aside and removed the wrapping from a wooden box. Very slowly he lifted the lid from the box.

Obi-Wan's breath caught in his throat as he unwrapped the layer of green synthisilk. Nestled inside was a battered lightsaber. He swallowed hard around the sudden lump in his throat.

The screen flickered randomly in the seemingly endless minutes until the connection to Coruscant went through. Obi-Wan stared at the all too familiar lightsaber as he waited. His jaw was clenched, his breathing shallow.

"Jedi Temple. How may I direct your call?"

Obi-Wan wrenched his gaze over to the terminal. "Master Kenobi, priority code 77JM48, direct call to Master Yoda at his request."

A few moments later the screen switched to the visage of the ancient master. A bit less of the wispy white hair and a slight deepening of the many wrinkles were the only signs a keen observer might have noted of the continuing toll of time on the powerful Jedi.

"Master Yoda, this is Master Kenobi. I received your package. Why?" Obi-Wan demanded.

Yoda looked somberly at Obi-Wan for a long moment. His eyes were dark, emotions carefully masked. Finally he spoke, his familiar rasp more pronounced than usual. "Dying is Qui-Gon. Wanted you to have his lightsaber, he did."

"Dying?" Obi-Wan slumped back in his chair. He took a deep breath, let it out slowly. "I'm sorry. I didn't know."

"If visited more often surprised you would not be."

"You know what my mission schedule has been like," Obi-Wan replied hotly. "Qui-Gon would be the first to say that duty must take priority over personal concerns."

"Of course." Yoda's image stared impassively, but there was a momentary tightening of his knuckles on the gimer stick he clutched in front of him.

Obi-Wan leaned forward. One fisted hand rested on the desk. "How bad is he? How long. . ." He stopped, unable to speak the words.

"In the hospice section is Qui-Gon now." Yoda shrugged. "A few days. . . a few weeks perhaps. No interest in life he has any more."

The hum of the terminal was loud in the prolonged silence.

"Thank you for letting me know. I'll do what I can to finish here quickly." Obi-Wan hesitated, swallowed hard. "I'll try to call him before we leave."

"Try?" Pointed ears flattened against the green skull.

"The mission comes first." Obi-Wan's jaw tightened as he stared defiantly into the screen. "If there's nothing else, I have work to do."

"Nothing else there is, no, nothing else left at all it seems. Goodbye, Master Kenobi."

The terminal stilled into silence.

Obi-Wan lurched up from his chair and stumbled blindly out onto the balcony. He sat on the wide balustrade, one knee drawn up, his arms wrapped around it. He leaned back against the wall, eyes closed, thoughts a confused whirl.

"Damn it to seven hells, I've got everything I've wanted and worked hard for. I'm a good Jedi, a good master," he whispered. "Qui-Gon is part of my past, a part I haven't needed for years. I should be happy."

A door banged open inside the quarters.

"I found it, Master," called a cheerful voice. "This should be the last bit of evidence we need to clinch the negotiations."

The sound of booted feet crossing the wooden floor was loud in the silence. Obi-Wan opened his eyes as his padawan appeared in the doorway.

"Master? Is something wrong?"

A familiar rush of fondness and pride filled Obi-Wan as he silently considered the confident, competent young woman the gawky apprentice had become.

"Master?"

Obi-Wan shook himself, sighed heavily. "I talked to Master Yoda a little while ago, Padawan. He wanted to let me know that Master Jinn is in poor health."

"I am so sorry, Master." Welk came over to comfort her master. "I know you were very close."

~Close? I suppose you could call it that. I wonder how much she really knows?~

Aloud, Obi-Wan said, "Yes, he was a good master and we were very good friends. I shall miss him."

"Is it that bad?"

~Damn, I should have realized she would pick up on that.~ Obi-Wan swallowed. "Master Jinn has been moved to the hospice section in the healers’ ward. They are not certain how much longer. . ." He was still having trouble actually saying the words.

"If he is in hospice the healers probably think he has a month or less left, then."

~Always the practical one, that girl.~ Obi-Wan nodded, then put his head down on his knee.

"They'll take good care of him, Master." The padawan moved close to rub his shoulders. "But it would be nice if we could make it back to see him."

"Yes, I suppose it would." Obi-Wan's voice was a bit muffled.

"He still loves you, you know."

Obi-Wan jerked upright, catching the young woman's hand against the wall. "How would you know about such things?"

"I've spoken to him fairly often for quite some time." She pulled her hand out, rubbing it lightly. "He talks about you a lot."

"Why in the seven hells would you be spending all that time with Qui-Gon Jinn?" Obi-Wan demanded, staring at his apprentice as if she had suddenly sprouted wings and a tail.

"It started several years ago. He was your master, and then your bonded mate for over twenty years, so I thought he would probably know a lot about you." She shrugged. "And I wanted to know more about you, so I went to Master Jinn."

Obi-Wan stared at her some more. "And you couldn't ask me whatever it was you wanted to know?"

Welk actually blushed and shuffled her feet. "I sorta had a padawan crush at the time," she mumbled.

"You?!" Obi-Wan laughed. "The hard-headed realist?"

"Hey, I was fifteen. It was the damned hormones, alright?" she glared.

"Peace!" Obi-Wan held up his hands. "I won't tell a soul. But how did you get in? I'm afraid he and I did not part on the best of terms."

"I wore him down, of course. I can be quite persistent, Master."

"Don't I know it." Obi-Wan grimaced.

"Once I finally convinced him that I personally had nothing to do with your break-up, he was actually quite friendly. He's had a very interesting life and told me lots of fascinating stories. Qui-Gon also taught me a lot about the *Living* Force." She pointed a stern finger at her master. "Which was something *you* tended to neglect, Master."

"Don't be impertinent," Obi-Wan said sharply, then changed the subject back. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"You never asked and there never seemed to be a good time to bring it up." Welk cocked her head. "You are my master, but I came to care for both of you. It was very obvious, however, that you weren't getting along." She paused a moment, staring down, before continuing a bit wistfully, almost to herself. "It might have been nice to be together while I was growing up. Perhaps things could have turned out differently for all of us." Welk straightened and looked directly at Obi-Wan. "You never went to visit him except when Master Yoda dragged you to his namedays."

"And he never came to visit me," Obi-Wan retorted.

"Qui-Gon claims he asked you to stay; that it was you who left him," Welk said impatiently.

"It had to be done," replied Obi-Wan curtly. "And that will be the end of this conversation, young lady. There is nothing more to discuss."

"Master. . ." Welk shook her head as she threw her hands up in the air. "Force, how I wish the two of you could have actually just listened to each other for once." The apprentice gave her master a barely concealed look of frustration. "But I suppose I shouldn't find your rift surprising considering that both of you are such stubborn, self-centered bastards," she said sadly as she lowered her head to the absolute minimum degree of respect required.

Obi-Wan shot to his feet. "Olan Welk, you still have not learned the difference between boldness and disrespect. I have warned you before I will not tolerate this, Padawan. You will go to your quarters immediately and meditate on the proper attitude toward your elders."

Welk's expression was mutinous, but she bowed politely. "Yes, Master." She turned on her heel and headed inside, shoulders pulled taut. She paused at the door and looked back. "He still calls you his beautiful knight. You ought to at least call him even if we can't leave here in time."

"Padawan!" Obi-Wan shouted at the swinging door, his apprentice having quickly disappeared after her parting shot. He stood stiffly, hands clenched at his side. He closed his eyes, taking slow deep breaths as he let his anger flow into the Force. Inside their quarters he heard a muffled curse as Welk slammed the door to her room; the echo of his padawan's exit lingered in the tense atmosphere. For a long time he stood looking at the empty doorway.

~Empty doors. . . first Qui-Gon, soon my padawan. . . is that all I will really have left when Olan has to leave me?~ Obi-Wan stared motionlessly, barely breathing. ~Is this the price of being a Jedi or is it somehow my own fault?~ Finally he shuddered and shook himself.

"So we're both stubborn, self-centered bastards, are we?" Obi-Wan muttered to himself as he woodenly moved inside, his steps taking him to sit before the terminal.

"That's what I accused Qui-Gon of the day I left." Obi-Wan leaned forward, elbows on the table, his head in his hands. "But I did love him and I needed him to love me." His breath caught and hitched, a broken sound suspiciously like a sob. Looking up, he caught sight of the open box next to the terminal. Tentatively he reached out and picked up the gift.

~Could it have been different? Was I so fixated on my own needs that I couldn't see what was happening between us?~ Obi-Wan held the lightsaber in front of his face, staring at its tarnished surface. ~Could I have had Qui-Gon and a padawan both? Maybe Olan was right. . . did I throw away a chance for us to be a real family?~ He brought his hand down sharply, the base of the lightsaber resounding with a dull thud as it struck the table, the pain of the impact resonating in his bones. ~What if I hadn't been so desperate to have him on any terms? Did I let him convince me that what we had was truly enough for both of us?~

A cool wind swept through the open door as the daylight continued to diminish. He shivered as he clutched the 'saber tighter, heedless of the ridges digging into his hand. ~I should have been stronger. . . if I had been more honest about my feelings, could I have saved our love, or did I let it hurt too long?~

Obi-Wan leaned back in the chair, cradling the battered old lightsaber, holding it close to his heart.

"Force, have I really made such a mess of my life?" Obi-Wan whispered.

The light dimmed as the setting sun flared and burned out, darkness settling over the Jedi knight staring blindly at the flickering terminal.

 

finis


End file.
